Autistic people experience the world differently than non-autistic people experience the world. One reasons for this difference is the autistic sensory system is quite different from the neuro-majority, which is considered the norm. In addition, the autistic thinking style has differences from the neuro-majority norm.
Autistic Sensory and Thinking Differences
The autistic sensory system takes in information from the environment. This information can come in too big, too small, delayed or distorted. Autistic thinking style is often visual, concrete and many have a thinking-in-pictures style of their own. This means processing can happen visually rather than with words. The processing typically does not happen in real time, but can be delayed for moments or for days or longer. Information storage may not be category based, but instead arranged according to unique schemata. This may make the path of retrieval of stored information take longer.Example: One time I was in a conference-planning meeting at a new venue. We had just returned from a tour, served ourselves refreshments and gathered at the conference table to discuss business. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a bug walking across my shirt. I snatched up that bug and held it out at arms length pinched between my index finger and thumb. A friend sitting next to me asked, “What’s the matter?” to which I replied, “Bug!” She snatched the bug out of my hand and dropped it on the floor.
In the meantime, with my arm still outstretched as if I was continuing to hold up the bug, my autistic brain was busy processing the bug information. My brain thinks visually. I have a visual bug category. It looks like an old fashioned Rolodex where we used to store names and phone numbers before society went digital. My bug storage Rolodex was automatically flipping through the pictures – one bug picture after another. I must say, I am an old lady – at least old enough to have accumulated lots of bug pictures! It takes time to flip through this size Rolodex, looking at each bug picture.
I did not tell my brain to do this, but it is simply the way my brain does business. My brain automatically goes for the match in order to label and thus sort an experience. I needed to look at every bug card in the Rolodex to come to the fact that the bug I picked off my shirt was not a bug at all – it was a peanut skin! I must have dropped the peanut skin onto my shirt when I was eating the peanuts on the refreshment table!
Resulting Behavior
All of these many sensory and thinking differences often mean that the autistic person will exhibit behaviors that people around them find unusual simply because they do not share the experience of an autistic brain. These behaviors are not right or wrong. Instead they are what naturally flow out of an autistic brain. As such, the behaviors do not need to be changed if they are not hurting anyone. Instead, the target of change for behavior that is merely different is not the person exhibiting the behavior, but those around him so they might understand the behavior.In the above example my holding up the “bug” while waiting for my brain to process the information did not need to change. Instead, people around me needed to be educated in why I was doing what I was doing. What actually happened is that most people ignored me and went on with their meeting. The friend sitting next me did what she thought might be helpful – taking the invisible “bug” and flicking it on the floor.
Societal Response
In situations such as this where an autistic person’s behavior is unexpected, people generally try to be helpful.Person or Project?
If non-autistic people understood autistic behavior as a natural, reasonable response to the working of an autistic brain it would allow them to have a different response. Right now most people respond to unexpected autistic behavior with the assumption that it is wrong behavior and thus needs to be fixed. When this is the case the autistic becomes a project to be worked on – someone who needs instruction or punishment (depending upon your persuasion) so they can be made to look normal. The underlying assumption is that it is best to look normal. Nobody seems to consider the damage this does over time to autistic people. Thus, it has come to be that most of society views autistics as projects to be worked on so they might change.I am hopeful that as people come to understand the autistic brain has many differences with resulting behaviors. This blog is addressing most autistic behavior – the behavior that is not hurtful or harmful – the different behavior. (Occasional autistic behavior is harmful in that it hurts somebody or seriously damages property. This blog is not addressing this category of behavior.)
I am giving neuro-majority people a pass – you all no longer need to take on correcting our naturally autistic behavior! Instead, approach it with kindness. Know we are responding naturally in light of our autistic brain. Just like you do not owe us an explanation of your everyday behaviors, so is it that we do not owe you an explanation of our everyday behaviors. Some of us can explain our behavior at times and others cannot. Some of us want to explain our behavior (and have differing levels of access over time to do so) and some of us don’t. Please be respectful and patient.
Also know that because you are the majority you get to bestow upon us the status of “person” or “project.” Unfortunately, even though autistics have long ago decided they are people and not projects, it does not change society’s view. Only the neuro-majority has that power to change societal view of autistics from “projects” to human beings. Ultimately, we welcome you to view us as fellow human beings rather than projects to be continually worked on. This will be more fun and more rewarding for all of us!
BOOKS BY JUDY ENDOW
Endow, J. (2019). Autistically Thriving: Reading Comprehension, Conversational Engagement, and Living a Self-Determined Life Based on Autistic Neurology. Lancaster, PA: Judy Endow.
Endow, J. (2012). Learning the Hidden Curriculum: The Odyssey of One Autistic Adult. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2006). Making Lemonade: Hints for Autism’s Helpers. Cambridge, WI: CBR Press.
Endow, J. (2013). Painted Words: Aspects of Autism Translated. Cambridge, WI: CBR Press.
Endow, J. (2009). Paper Words: Discovering and Living With My Autism. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2009). Outsmarting Explosive Behavior: A Visual System of Support and Intervention for Individuals With Autism Spectrum Disorders. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2010). Practical Solutions for Stabilizing Students With Classic Autism to Be Ready to Learn: Getting to Go. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Myles, B. S., Endow, J., & Mayfield, M. (2013). The Hidden Curriculum of Getting and Keeping a Job: Navigating the Social Landscape of Employment. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Originally written for and published by Ollibean In June 2016
Tag Archives: neurodiversity
Autism and Consequences
One way people learn is from consequences. For example, if you leave your car parked outside with the windows down and it rains, the natural consequence is that your car seats will get wet. Sometimes a person with authority over another engineers a consequence for certain behaviors as a way to decrease the frequency of unwanted behaviors. For example, a mother or a caregiver might decide that if hitting occurs at the park there will be no going to the park for the next two weeks. This sort of engineered consequence for unwanted behavior works for most people most of the time. It is why we use it to successfully teach our children to become responsible citizens – responsible for themselves, their behavior, their belongings and beyond. These kinds of consequences rarely work well for individuals with autism.
Underlying Brain Functioning
For consequences to be effective in deterring future behavior, a typically functioning brain needs to be in place. For example, if an individual is prone to hitting others when at the park we decide that because he very much enjoys going to the park, the consequence of not going to the park for two weeks will help him to not hit or at least hit less when he does go back to the park.
The underlying brain function that causes this consequence to be helpful in reducing hitting is very intricate and is based on reliability of connections between many areas of the brain. In practical terms it means that in order for this consequence to change the hitting behavior, at minimum, these elements must all function smoothly for the person receiving the consequence:
- Understand hitting is wrong
- Love going to the park
- Understand hitting at the park will mean no park for two weeks
- Be negatively affected during the two week park ban, i.e. wishing it wasn’t so
- Dislike the park ban so much that he is willing to not hit
- Come to learn what he can do instead of hitting
- Have the skills and ability to carry through with alternative behaviors
- After returning to the park and finding himself about to hit – his brain quickly and efficiently connects all the dots, gathering up and synthesizing information from multiple areas of the brain in a split second whereby he can put together an informative and behavior-altering understanding that keeps him from hitting.
Most people have brains that can accomplish all the above bullet points. However, people with autism do not. Autistic people generally have brains that do not support the last bullet point. Remember, an autistic brain means the connections between areas of the brain are weak making it difficult for the brain to pull together information from the various brain regions – the very thing needed for consequences to change future behavior.
A confounding factor here is that autistic people, after an incident and when in a calm state, can repeat to you exactly what happened, why it was wrong and what they will do instead of hitting next time they are in a similar situation. Then, the next situation arises and the hitting again occurs. After the incident is over the autistic individual is usually remorseful, knows what he did was wrong, understands what the consequence will be and promises not to hit next time, reciting all the options he might employ other than hitting. Then, the next situation arises and the hitting again occurs. Repeat, repeat, repeat over and over and over.
Regardless of how many times the consequence of park ban is employed it never seems to work in terms of stopping the hitting. Many times people assume the consequence of park banning isn’t a big enough consequence so they up the anti. I have seen this get out of hand quickly and regardless of how big the consequence or how articulately the autistic individual can explain the behavior/consequence sequence it is not effective in producing the desired behavior change.
After a time of bigger and bigger consequences, parents, teachers and caregivers start blaming the person with autism as if he wants to be a bad person. They say he is making poor choices and ascribe character flaws such stubborn and mean. It doesn’t turn out good for anyone, including the autistic.
Ways to Get a Different Outcome
Once you understand autistic brains will most likely be unable to attain the last bullet point in the above list – not because the individual consciously chooses this, but because of the brain functioning available to him – it would make sense to stop using consequences in hopes of changing behavior. But, we still have the hitting behavior. What can we do instead? Here are some ideas that have worked for numerous autistics of all ages whom I have worked with:
- Escalating Behavior
If the behavior is escalating in nature; i.e., if you can predict when it will occur because you can see the build up then you can prevent the behavior by intervening very early on rather than waiting until the last minute when it is impossible to stop the behavior from happening. In escalating behavior the physiological fight/flight kicks in right before the behavior occurs. This means the individual is operating on survival instinct, feeling he is fighting for his life, no matter how small and non-life threatening the situation actually is in the moment. Thus, intervention when the behavior is occurring fails. Successful intervention is at the beginning stages. For more information please look at Outsmarting Explosive Behavior: A Visual System of Support and Intervention for Individuals With ASD.
- Non-Escalating Behavior
If the behavior is not escalating in nature, remember the reasons an individual gets an autism diagnosis and address those areas – communication, social, specific deep interests, and sensory. In light of this, here is what I do to help prevent unwanted behaviors when out in the community.
A. Proactively Address Sensory Regulation Daily
Strive to make sure autistic individuals are supported daily in sensory regulating activities. As an autistic myself, daily sensory regulation allows me to be employed and go out into the community each day. It is the same for others I’ve worked with. For the individual in the example, when he was well regulated he was able to cope with unexpected events better. This meant he was less likely to hit.
B. Plan Schedule Ahead of Time
It is important for most of us to know what will happen ahead of time. This is true no matter how our autism presents. Very few autistic people can track a verbally recited chain of events that are to happen in the future. Some people need a written list. Some need a picture schedule. All of us, regardless of how autism presents in our bodies, like to know the plans rather than to have continual surprises randomly occurring.
C. Stop Talking
As autistics get overloaded in sensory, social or emotional aspects of situations the ability to process and comprehend verbal input decreases. Helpers typically “help” by talking more. This is the opposite of what is actually helpful to autistics in tense situations.
D. Use Alternative Communication
Even for a person who is highly verbal, an alternative way to communicate becomes essential in tense or overloaded situations. For example, one individual I worked with had a key chain with mini pictures of the van, a bag of peanuts (his favorite snack), his house, and his favorite video game. When he was having difficulty in the community, I would hand him this key chain. Offering the key chain was a nonverbal way to communicate our exit plan.
E. Use Positive Reinforcement
In this example the pictures on the keychain showed the order of events and included two reinforcements. First picture was the van. Second picture was the bag peanuts that were in the glove box in the van. Third picture was his house where his favorite video game (fourth picture) would be available upon arriving. Thus, positive reinforcement got him out of the park when needed so as to prevent the hitting from occurring.
F. Plan and Practice Exit Strategies
Use preplanned signals or visuals to exit a tense or problematic situation BEFORE any problem behavior can happen. In this example the keychain with mini photos was our exit strategy. We went to the park on three different occasions specifically to practice using the exit strategy. Once the strategy was practiced, including eating the peanuts on the ride home and playing the favorite video game, we then went back to the park for an hour – our usual park time. It was important for this young man to actually get his park time.
G. Assure Social Understanding
After a difficult time and the individual is settled down remember to go back and insure social understanding of what happened. Most autistics are literal and concrete by nature. Social situations are rarely literal and concrete. Thus, we are prone to have a different take on social situations than most other people. I have found it helpful to draw out a situation, finding out the autistic person’s take on it and leaving space in the stick figure cartoon frames for the thought bubbles of other people. Often times the way other people think is a surprise to autistics because it makes no sense to a literal and concrete mind. Social constructs and socially accepted behavior in society are based on this thinking style of the majority. Many autistics benefit in learning this social information.
BOOKS BY JUDY ENDOW
Endow, J. (2019). Autistically Thriving: Reading Comprehension, Conversational Engagement, and Living a Self-Determined Life Based on Autistic Neurology. Lancaster, PA: Judy Endow.
Endow, J. (2012). Learning the Hidden Curriculum: The Odyssey of One Autistic Adult. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2006). Making Lemonade: Hints for Autism’s Helpers. Cambridge, WI: CBR Press.
Endow, J. (2013). Painted Words: Aspects of Autism Translated. Cambridge, WI: CBR Press.
Endow, J. (2009). Paper Words: Discovering and Living With My Autism. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2009). Outsmarting Explosive Behavior: A Visual System of Support and Intervention for Individuals With Autism Spectrum Disorders. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2010). Practical Solutions for Stabilizing Students With Classic Autism to Be Ready to Learn: Getting to Go. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Myles, B. S., Endow, J., & Mayfield, M. (2013). The Hidden Curriculum of Getting and Keeping a Job: Navigating the Social Landscape of Employment. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Originally written for and published by Ollibean June 14, 2016. To comment click here.
The Changing Implementation of Accommodations
Accommodations are something provided by law to people with disabilities. It is easy for people to understand physical accommodations such as wheelchairs and curb cuts. It is much more difficult for people to understand accommodations when it involves sensory and processing differences such as those common to autistic people.
Because an autism diagnosis is one of a spectrum diagnosis there are a variety of ways autistic people experience their particular autism. In fact, even though there may be similarities, just as no two neuro majority people experience the world in exactly the same way, so to is it that no two autistic people experience the world in exactly the same way. This makes it challenging because the necessary accommodations for one autistic will not be the same for the next autistic. While one curb cut will accommodate all wheelchairs, one neurological “curb cut” will not accommodate all autistic who have different neurological “curb cut” needs.
Accommodations and Public School Students
When autistic children attend U.S. public schools the law requires the school to make the necessary accommodations for students with IEPs (Individual Education Plans) to enable them to receive a free and appropriate education as defined by law. Even though it may be hard work for you to support your student with autism by providing these accommodations, please remember that your student is likely working at least as hard, if not harder than you, when it comes to accommodations. After all, they are continually busy doing the best they can to accommodate others in a world that does not interface easily their autism. And yes, I do understand you think autism is hard. You are right. Autism can be very hard.
Sensory breaks are often used as an accommodation in a public school setting. This is because an autistic neurology does not automatically regulate the sensory system. Sometimes sensory breaks are comprised of activities that give specific sensory input to balance out the sensory system in the moment. Other times the sensory break needs to ensure guarding against any more sensory input as the body needs a quiet time and space to allow for integration of the too much sensory information already there. Rather than sensory input, this means a quiet sensory guarding break.
A frequent mistake made when teachers give students sensory breaks is they then spend the break time talking to the student. Please respect the downtime or break time you give us as an accommodation. Many people do not understand how much work it can be for autistics to accommodate the talking of neurotypicals. When you talk to us during our down time it negates the accommodation you are attempting to make for us.
Our down time or sensory guarding breaks truly need to be a time away from the continual demands placed on us of accommodating a neuro majority world. This allows our system to regroup so to speak – which means we can then go back and better cope with the neuro majority environment that is most often experienced as too loud, too fast and too complex to allow real time integration of the felt experience of a daily ongoing sensory bombardment.
Accommodations After High School
Another aspect to accommodations is the idea that students need to learn about their accommodations. During school years in the U.S. teachers and other adults are responsible for providing accommodations. Once our special education students reach 18 or 21 they exit the public school system. In the adult world the law is a bit different. It does not require others to be responsible for the accommodation needs of a person with any disability, but instead puts the onus on the person with the disability. Let me explain what I mean by that statement.
- Further Education
If an individual goes on to attend a technical school or university there is no IEP. What typically happens is that the student must disclose his disability and ask for the accommodations he needs. This means a student coming out of high school must understand what he needs in order to succeed in a neuro majority educational environment. In addition, he needs to know how to clearly state his need and ask for the accommodation.
And, it doesn’t stop there. What usually happens in response to an accommodation request is the student is given information that he must then use to obtain his accommodation. One student I worked with needed a note taker. He was given a printed list of students who had expressed interest in being note takers. Each student’s contact information was included. For some it was an email address and for others it was a phone number. My student with the disability was expected to take this list and arrange for his accommodation.
- Employment
If an individual gets a job, again, accommodations work out differently than they do in high school where teachers are responsible for giving the accommodations to the student. In the workplace, to receive accommodations for an existing disability that disability must be disclosed during the hiring process. If a job applicant does not know this information and therefore does not disclose his disability during the hiring process – even if he discloses it later on – the workplace is not required to provide accommodations.
And again, in this post high school situation of employment, the potential employee needs to know what to say about his disability along with what he needs for an accommodation. For example, one individual I worked with stated that he had autism and for him this meant that he would wear noise canceling headphones brought from home as this would allow him to concentrate in a more focused way and thus he would be more productive accomplishing his work tasks. He added that even though he would wear the headphones, he was still able to hear people who approached him and talked to him. He added that it was his habit to remove the headphones when having a conversation.
This same individual explained that he was able to be more productive if he could use a lamp rather than the overhead fluorescent lights. He was assured that would be no problem, but the company needed to provide and set up the lamp in his office as it had to be cleared through maintenance as complying with the fire code.
It is wonderful for those of us in the U.S. with disabilities that there are laws providing for our accommodations. However, there is not one set of laws, but instead a changing set of laws that cover different areas. This is why it is so important that youngsters are taught about their own accommodation needs and how to relay that information in higher education and/or employment settings, whatever their need may be. This is not only good for the individual with the disability, but also good for society as it paves the way for contribution to society that might otherwise not be able to happen. Regardless of ability or disability, when individual skills and talents are not utilized society misses out. We need all our citizens contributions to be our best collective whole.
BOOKS BY JUDY ENDOW
Endow, J. (2019). Autistically Thriving: Reading Comprehension, Conversational Engagement, and Living a Self-Determined Life Based on Autistic Neurology. Lancaster, PA: Judy Endow.
Endow, J. (2012). Learning the Hidden Curriculum: The Odyssey of One Autistic Adult. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2006). Making Lemonade: Hints for Autism’s Helpers. Cambridge, WI: CBR Press.
Endow, J. (2013). Painted Words: Aspects of Autism Translated. Cambridge, WI: CBR Press.
Endow, J. (2009). Paper Words: Discovering and Living With My Autism. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2009). Outsmarting Explosive Behavior: A Visual System of Support and Intervention for Individuals With Autism Spectrum Disorders. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2010). Practical Solutions for Stabilizing Students With Classic Autism to Be Ready to Learn: Getting to Go. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Myles, B. S., Endow, J., & Mayfield, M. (2013). The Hidden Curriculum of Getting and Keeping a Job: Navigating the Social Landscape of Employment. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Originally written for and published by Ollibean May 2016
Autism, Visual Thinking and the Parking System
Many autistic people think visually. As a young child who thought visually I was often thought to be stubborn and insisting upon my own way when in reality I was merely trying to keep ahold of a thought. Today in my work I come in contact with many on the spectrum and see the same phenomenon at work. Let me explain with two examples:
Example Parking Objects: Every day Britt comes to school with a toy from home. It is very difficult for her to leave the toy in her cubby so she carries it with her. Sometimes this works out ok; other times it poses problems such as when the toy is large or makes noise or is something other children want to play with. Whenever someone attempts to put the toy in her cubby or elsewhere Britt falls to floor crying loudly and becomes inconsolable.
Britt is a visual thinker. When an object is out of site, it is as if it were lost forever because she can no longer see it. We placed a bright piece of construction paper placed by her cubby for Britt to use as a parking space. She put her toy in this garage and we took a picture. After printing it we held the picture next to the actual garage with the toy parked in it so Britt could see the picture was the same as the toy parked in the garage.
Next we played a game. We gave Britt the picture of Minnie Mouse in the garage to hold. We asked, “Where is Minnie Mouse?’ Britt could see both the real Minnie Mouse sitting in the garage and the picture of Minnie Mouse in the garage. Next we turned our back to the garage and asked, “Where is Minnie Mouse?” Britt could see the picture of Minnie Mouse in the garage. We increased the distance between the garage and Britt. As long as she was holding the picture she could see Minnie Mouse and know Minnie Mouse was in the garage.
In a few days the picture of toy in garage was printed smaller and attached to the bottom of Britt’s visual schedule. Britt did not yet understand to make the picture in her head, but this strategy has served her well for several months now because it supports her visual style of thinking, allowing her to be separated from favorite toys.
Example of Parking Thoughts: Each weekday morning Eli’s grandmother picked him up. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday she brought him to preschool. On Tuesday and Thursday they went to grandma’s house. Each morning at breakfast mom would tell Eli if it was a school day or a grandma’s house day. If Eli thought he was going one place and it turned out he was going the other place he had a meltdown and had trouble the rest of the day.
Eli is a visual thinker. When he thought he was going to grandma’s house and it was a preschool day he had no way to hold his thought – i.e., he had no where to put his visual thought for safe-keeping – until the time he needed to retrieve it. As a visual thinker, this meant he had to hold onto the picture of the activities he had in mind to do at grandma’s house until the next day when he could actually go to grandma’s house. In doing so he was unable to fully engage in today’s activities. Furthermore, everything he did in his today was a mismatch to the picture in his head (activities at grandma’s house). This mismatch precipitated intermittent crying and throwing of objects throughout the day.
This often happens with visual thinkers. When thoughts are pictures you need to keep seeing them in order to not forget them. Often this leads to behavior that doesn’t work well. In this case Eli was not able to engage in any of his school activities and spent time crying and throwing things. The whole time he was at school he talked about being at grandma’s house and what he was going to do at grandma’s house.
Eli had been using a daily visual schedule. Drawing on his familiarity, we used a small dry erase board, labeling it Another Day. I started drawing with a dry erase pen each of the things he talked about. For example, he talked about playing Candy Land, eating goldfish crackers, cheese and grapes and swinging outside at grandma’s house.
Once these things were drawn on the page labeled Another Day this page was placed next to his visual schedule. This allowed Eli to know he could return to his thoughts about what he would do at grandma’s house whenever he wished. He knew where to look. This meant he no longer had to keep the picture in his head. Thus, he was able to engage with the activities on visual school schedule. Periodically, he would go over his schedule, point to the dry erase board and “read” the pictures, reciting aloud what he would do Another Day at grandma’s house. Occasionally he would add a picture item. Thus, Eli learned a system for how to park a visual thought in a way that worked with his visual thinking. This allowed him to engage in the activities at hand because he knew he would not lose his thoughts and plans for grandma’s house.
Conclusion: There are many ramifications of thinking visually. Often, children on the spectrum can benefit when we understand how their thinking works and give them visual strategies compatible with thinking style. Always remember to consider the impact of visual thinking when unproductive behavior emerges.
BOOKS BY JUDY ENDOW
Endow, J. (2019). Autistically Thriving: Reading Comprehension, Conversational Engagement, and Living a Self-Determined Life Based on Autistic Neurology. Lancaster, PA: Judy Endow.
Endow, J. (2012). Learning the Hidden Curriculum: The Odyssey of One Autistic Adult. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2006). Making Lemonade: Hints for Autism’s Helpers. Cambridge, WI: CBR Press.
Endow, J. (2013). Painted Words: Aspects of Autism Translated. Cambridge, WI: CBR Press.
Endow, J. (2009). Paper Words: Discovering and Living With My Autism. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2009). Outsmarting Explosive Behavior: A Visual System of Support and Intervention for Individuals With Autism Spectrum Disorders. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2010). Practical Solutions for Stabilizing Students With Classic Autism to Be Ready to Learn: Getting to Go. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Myles, B. S., Endow, J., & Mayfield, M. (2013). The Hidden Curriculum of Getting and Keeping a Job: Navigating the Social Landscape of Employment. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Originally written for and published by Ollibean on May 5, 2016.
To leave a comment at the end of this blog at the Ollibean site click here.
Autism and Friendship
For many years having friends eluded me. I find that to be true with many teen and young adult autistics. If you are in that predicament I encourage you to hang in there because it does get better over time.
One of the hardest things we have going against us as autistics is that it is generally non-autistics who try to help us to have friends. The only way they know how to help is to try to get us to make friendships work in the way they make them work based on the way their neuromajority thinking and interfacing with others and with the world work for them. Many times this is a big enough mismatch for autistics as not to work in our lives. When this happens we often blame ourselves. Here is something I came to understand in my 40’s. I share it in hopes it will be helpful to others.
Words, the Currency of Time
(Directions for How to Spend Non-Cents Dollars)
“Spend your Time wisely,” is a saying I’ve heard.
The currency of this Time,
I’ve learned,
is to use One’s words.
If One uses words galore,
One might captivate Another…
…most times a bittersweet victory to gain a Time-limited captive
who hears the words that bury my soul
as I spend this currency of Time –
however unwisely –
offering dollars devoid of cents
the gold of my soul remaining unspent.
(Endow, 2009a, p172)
Something that took me many years to learn was that once I accepted myself for the autistic woman I am in life and stopped doing all the things people had tried to teach me in regard to making friends I noticed I did have friends! It was ironic that when I hit a place in my life where I didn’t care so much about making friends that I had them! In fact, many days it seems that I have more people than I can interact with on a-day to-day basis.
Today in my life, many people who imagine themselves to be my friend are very kind and giving people and like to be known for being helpful to me, an autistic person, but they do not ever make the space for me to be their friend back. Thus, it is not a true friendship because they do not find me to be necessary to the core of their being.
One thing all my very close friends have in common is that, besides having time for me, they allow me to be their friend. My closest friends and I have reciprocal relationships. Both of us find the other necessary in our lives in a way that is not demanding. I find these friends necessary, because when I am with them I can be my very best – the person I was created to be.
My friends report similar feelings to mine. One says that I bring out the best in her. Another tells me she thinks most creatively when we are together. With close friends, we know each other’s faults and flaws and can love each other through them. This means that our faults and flaws don’t become each other’s pet peeves. We each are limited and imperfect and are O.K. with that in ourselves and in each other.
That is how it is with my closest friends. We find each other necessary and care deeply for one other. When I’m allowed to show my caring however I want, I am able to freely spend the gold of my soul, often with abandon, on my friends. I love it and would not live my life any differently. The meaningfulness of life for me, an autistic, is in the reciprocal relationships of my everyday life where each of us come as we are without pretense, participating comfortably in our own way.
So, all in all, when it comes to the truly important stuff of life, I am more like you than autism can ever make me different. It is simply that I am human, needing and engaging in human connection in a way that makes sense to each participant, along the way becoming friends, walking our paths through life together.
BOOKS BY JUDY ENDOW
Endow, J. (2019). Autistically Thriving: Reading Comprehension, Conversational Engagement, and Living a Self-Determined Life Based on Autistic Neurology. Lancaster, PA: Judy Endow.
Endow, J. (2012). Learning the Hidden Curriculum: The Odyssey of One Autistic Adult. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2006). Making Lemonade: Hints for Autism’s Helpers. Cambridge, WI: CBR Press.
Endow, J. (2013). Painted Words: Aspects of Autism Translated. Cambridge, WI: CBR Press.
Endow, J. (2009). Paper Words: Discovering and Living With My Autism. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2009). Outsmarting Explosive Behavior: A Visual System of Support and Intervention for Individuals With Autism Spectrum Disorders. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Endow, J. (2010). Practical Solutions for Stabilizing Students With Classic Autism to Be Ready to Learn: Getting to Go. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Myles, B. S., Endow, J., & Mayfield, M. (2013). The Hidden Curriculum of Getting and Keeping a Job: Navigating the Social Landscape of Employment. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.
Originally written for and published by Ollibean on March 14, 2016.
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